Steroids? What Steroids?

The Lads have been working out lately. I really must remember to ask their coach about that stuff they've been putting in their milk.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!

$2.15! For one tomato! I coulda bought two boxes of Ho-Hos or Swiss Rolls for that (well, on sale. They're usually $1.25 a box at the Pig, but you can get 'em on sale for $1 a box sometimes). I think I'll make a down-payment on a cantaloupe, and grab a couple of Twinkies in the mean-time.

White Men Can't Jump

... or shoot. Defense? Well, sure. It's almost impossible to believe that during my lifetime (early, but still) the S.E.C. and A.C.C. had entirely, or almost entirely, white squads. My lads attend a private school in the Boro. On Saturday, the mighty Warhawks lined up against the Raiders of Holly Hill Academy.

Between the two teams, there were a total of zero African Americans.

So, how did this clash of pale warriors unfold?

To the left was the score after the first four and a quarter minutes. In fairness, this was the junior high squad, and the kids were all playing solid defense. The final was, I think, 18 to 20, with the visiting Raiders taking the victory. It was fun to watch. If you like defense.

Duke Lacrosse, Class Warfare, and Good Brownies

It's the same old story: Boys meet Girl. Boys invite Girl to do the dance of the seven veils. Girl falsely accuses Boys of felonious sexual misconduct. District Attorney hopeful lagging in polls sees opportunity to gather votes by appealing to underlying class conflict in district by aggressively prosecuting case and withholding excupatory evidence until specifically ordered to release it. CNN Banshee stokes fire by aggressively reporting case. Initially withheld DNA evidence exonerates boys and case is dismissed. You know. That story.

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I got to hear one of the participants in the Duke lacrosse saga speak on Friday. Joseph Cheshire

(the fifth, no less), one of the attorneys representing a defendant in that case, spoke at a South

Carolina Bar criminal law seminar yesterday in Charleston. It was a rare treat. The guy is a sound-bite generating machine (sadly, I only got a few of them). Some examples:

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On the pressure for prosecutors to "win":

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Mr. Cheshire pointed out that prosecutors must take special care to look closely at their cases because the "innate, inherent believability of prosecutors" can make people rush to convict, even unjustly. "This culture of winning has to stop. Do the best you can, but don't cheat."

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On CNN legal commentator Nancy Grace:

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She is "one of the five worst people on the Earth" (Cheshire's co-counsel in the case, Wade Smith, added, "and the other four are (former prosecutor Michael) Nifong".

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On the criminal justice system in America:

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"America has about 5% of the world's population, but 25% of the world's prison population". He pointed out that, if only one percent of America's convictions were erroneous, that means that thousands of innocent people are in prison. He also said that a huge percentage of the people in prison are poor and don't look like "us", and that the reversal of the traditional roles in the Duke lacrosse case forced middle and upper-class white folks "to see people who looked like their sons and sons-in-law unjustly accused" of a crime and presumed guilty. He also acknowledged that if the defendants in that case had been poor, and unable to afford the high-priced attorneys they got, that their attorneys probably would not and could not have gotten the huge stacks of DNA testing reports that ultimately resulted in his client's acquittal, and would have taken a deal to get their clients a year or so in prison (not my clients, of course).

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On the power of the press:

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He said the press has a powerful impact on how people perceive facts. He indicated that one poll showed that "85% of people in the minority community would have voted to convict (the Duke lacrosse defendants) even if the evidence tended to show innocence."

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On the blogosphere:

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"Blogs are a fascinating thing. Pay attention to them." He said he learned a lot about his case from blogs posted about it. He learned people's perceptions of the case, and even about theories involving some of the evidence in it. He said some of them were crazy, but some were genuinely helpful.

Bill in the Boro

Obama? Edwards? Clinton? Which of the three Democratic presidential candidates descending on this part of the Palmetto State this week should get top billing? Er, Danny Glover?

From Thursday's Orangeburg, SC paper, The Times and Democrat:

"DENMARK, S.C. - Danny Glover, acclaimed actor and political activist, campaigned for Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards Wednesday on the Voorhees College campus in Denmark. His visit came amid a flurry of political activity in The T&D Region ahead of Saturday's Democratic presidential primary.

The article did go on to include references to visits that Edwards (the actual candidate), Bill Clinton, and Barak Obama would also be in the area (Clinton, in fact, visited the Boro today, I'm told. Alas, I was not invited).

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that an actor would get the nod over mere politicians. This is America, afterall, and there is precedent.

"I know, but I had a better year than Hoover." – Ruth to a reporter who objected that Ruth was demanding a salary higher than President Herbert Hoover's ($80,000 vs. $75,000)

What's a Grit?

Classic line from the 1992 movie, My Cousin Vinny. Classic Southern breakfast staple.

As I doled out a serving each to the lads this morning, I contemplated the economics of grits. Oh, sure, we all have, at one time or another, contemplated the economics of grits. No? Well, anyway. For years I bought instant grits (Yeah, yeah. The witness in the movie said no self-respecting Southerner would use instant grits. Hey, I was born in Montana). Twelve or so servings of grits for maybe two and a half bucks. If you're making two bowls, it'd take you about four minutes. It never occurred to me to, you know, actually cook grits. One day a few years ago, a friend of mine who was helping me clean my house cooked a pot of grits. It didn't look that tough. You boil water, add salt, add grits, and five minutes later add some butter and that's it. It still took me a year or so to figure out the scam that is "instant grits". Okay, it does take a couple or three minutes for the water to boil, so maybe you've got eight minutes invested in "quick" grits and only four in "instant" grits, but "quick" is about two clams for a bucket of 'em big enough to last you two months, compared to two for about a week's worth of the "instant" kind (and, no, AndyMan, I was not wearing an apron when I cooked them).

Bad Hair Day

Remember the Leave it to Beaver when the Beave loses his haircut money and does the home haircut thing with predictably awful results? Yeah, well, I think I just visited this on the lads. Now, my dad routinely cut mine and AndyMan's hair. Just took the electric razor and bzzzzzed it all off. Crewcuts were evidently big in the 1950's, so why not inflict it on the boys of the mid to late 1960's? I would never do something like that to my own boys, would I? Well, would I? Er, not as such. I brought the boys to City Hair in the Boro, and stylist Beth did a fine job on the twins' hair.

Sadly, it was not short enough to meet the dress code at the boys' school. Not wanting to risk another trip to the Headmaster's office, the boys (most unwisely) asked me to trim just a bit from the front. Sure. Dad did it. How hard can this be?

At least you can see their eyes now. When they're not covering their faces, anyway.

Go, 'Noles... or Else!

I'm a FSU Seminoles football fan. One of my best buds growing up was Russ Baggett. I am a Seminoles fan because his dad was a guard for the Seminoles back in the day. The Baggetts were like my second family (they were second family to a lot of the kids in Town and Country, Tampa, FL, back then). Anyway, the Baggetts took you as you were. They doled out food, hospitality and nurturing, and demanded only that you detest the Florida Gators. It was a plus if you also rooted for the Seminoles, but not an absolute requirement. Paul Leo "Leo" Baggett signed on with the Seminoles in 1954. Here's his team in 1954. Mr. Baggett is number 50. His teammates included Lee Corso (now of ESPN fame. # 11) and Buddy Reynolds (more commonly now known as actor Burt Reynolds. # 46).









Here's what their logo used to look like under Coach Tom Nugent.











FSU's logo has (thank goodness) changed since 1954, as have its coaches. Current coach, Bobby Bowden, has been there awhile now, and has become the winningest coach in college football history (but don't look now, Bobby, JoPa's chasing you. Why won't that Paterno retire?). I've actually got a theory. Bobby Bowden is the alter-ego of convicted Boston mob hitman John Martorano (recently on 60 minutes). Oh, sure, but have you ever seen them in a room together?

Hazzard-ous to your viewing Health

So, I'm watching the NFC Championship game. Packers are driving. Commercial break. Is that... yes, it is John Schneider hawking Zaxby's chicken (John Schneider, Chicken-Hawker?).

Oh, how the mighty have... well, I guess going from Dukes of Hazzard to Zaxby's chicken commercials is really sort of a lateral move for the Artist Formerly Known as Bo Duke. Yeah, I know. He had a decent role in Smallville, but they kilt him. I wikipedia'd him just to see if I missed something. Wow. Apparently he was a pretty popular Country Music artist. But acting was really what I was looking for. Here's a portion of the entry:

"Schneider has appeared in many Films and TV Series such as the miniseries 10.5. He had a recurring role on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and guest-starred on such shows as Diagnosis Murder, Touched by an Angel, JAG and Walker, Texas Ranger. He also appeared in the off-Broadway play The Civil War as a Confederate soldier."

It's like a list of the most compelling reasons not to watch network t.v.

I guess making the cut on these Zaxby's commercials is a pretty big deal. Check out the others that made it in this entry from "Fast Casual" trade website:

"To publicize the return of the guest favorite (boneless chicken wings), the chain has enlisted the help of four celebrities for the next installment of its “indescribably good” advertising campaign that was rolled out last fall. Cameras captured amusing, unscripted responses from "American Idol: Season Three" runner-up Diana DeGarmo, actor John Schneider, NFL star Jerry Rice and NBA star Dominique Wilkins."

Now, refresh my memory. Was Season Three of American Idol a particularly good one?

Stupid Signs, four

Pick up your Happiness here? They don't really mean it. Caroline had to put the sign back.

My Favorite Girl

Amy's spareribs are amazing. I've enjoyed kayaking with Beth. Jo and Debbie at Holy Trinity always made me feel wonderful. Laura was my capable secretary for 10 years. I'm not sure what I'd do without Jodi and Fran at work, or my best friend, Cathy. I've known some pretty great women, but my daughter, Caroline is my best gal. Caroline and I spent the early evening together. Sushi and shrimp and chicken at Fuji's in Beaufort (not up to their usual above average standards tonight) and custard and gelatto at Rita's afterward (nothing fancy, but quite tasty. We'll be back, for sure). Caroline is funny and smart and full of life. And boy is she goofy! ...and an awful lot of fun to hang out with.

Ah, Domestic Bliss

At left are my twins, Tyler and Taylor, and their friend, Zach, enjoying hot chocolate in The Manor. Nice, peaceful scene, huh? The videogame they were playing is "Backyard Wrestling", which is an absolutely brutal game. Bloody, and extremely violent, the kids dig it the most. It actually is a lot of fun, too. Everybody's got lines to draw, and I do impose limits. The Grand Theft Auto series is a no go. Drug dealing, prostitution and random acts of murder with a wide assortment of weapons is not- at least in my opinion- a good thing for the lads to be soaking up. Difficult to deal with this when "all the other kids" got Grand Theft Auto two years ago. So, why allow Backyard Wrestling? As long as I'm not just cutting them adrift, I can discuss it with them, and spend time with them doing this (which also gives me a little capital with them to go on walks, shoot hoops and read with them). So, it's like a trade-off. Also, like I said, it's fun.

More songs about buildings and food

I promised my oldest child I'd lose 20 or so pounds by May. Should be easy. It always used to be. Shoot, AndyMan and I used to lose seven or eight pounds of water weight in a weekend for little league football (for me) or wrestling (for him). We'd just sit in momma's car with the windows rolled up for a couple of hours, and the weight would drip off. Of course, we'd gain it right back after the weigh in. It is entirely possible that that was not a good idea. In any event, it's not something I'm going to do now. So, what are the alternatives? Eating healthy may be possible in the Boro. I've heard rumors, at least, to that effect. Mind you, it's not an experiment I'm willing to try at this juncture; however, something (my belt, my chair, my dignity) has got to give. Exercise? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. But, it's... hard. Fine, I'll try exercise, dammit. Now someone go make me a sandwich!

Eli Manning, U.S.M.C.

Yesterday was mostly twin-time. The boys and I hung out. We worked on the tree-fort a little. Played some hoops (the boys beat the fat old dude together and separately). Read some Harry Potter. Even talked 'em into Church again (two weeks in a row. I got karma I need to work off). Hanging out with the lads meant I missed the first Manning show, the one with the Colts and the Manning that was supposed to win, but I caught Junior and the Giants. The Manning that was supposed to lose, won. Whaddayaknow? I supposed that's why they make them play the game. I noticed an eerie resemblance between Eli Manning and Gomer Pyle. Now, Eli does look like Archie, sort of. But, well, if I'm Archie, maybe I'd want Jim Nabors to submit a DNA sample. Just in case.

Paul for President

With all the hubbub about the top three democrats and the top three or four republicans, the Paul for President campaign has been unfairly ignored. Sure, he comes across as a little off-beat, and there are always compaints that he is unelectable, but Sean Paul deserves a chance!


You want issues? Sean Paul is concerned about the environment, immigration, family issues, and, of course, gettin' him some of that booty. Check out the depth in a chorus from what is obviously a nod to global warming, "Temperature":



"Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm.

I got the right temperature fi (sic) shelter you from the storm.

Oh lord, and gal I got the right tactics to turn you on,

and girl I wanna be the papa, you can be the mom, oh oh!"

I'm all verklempt!

Computerman ate my pictures

It was a simple thing, really. My computer was running slowly, and I couldn't get it to accept i-Tunes. Got my computer back. All of my pictures are gone. Maybe 500 of them. Ireland: gone. London: gone. Disney: gone. Christmas: gone. Jack's Barb-B-Q in Woodbine, Georgia: gone (well, all except a vague sense of unease). I expressly told the dude to look out for my pictures, but, well, that's how it goes. I wasn't that upset. He's a pretty nice fellow, and I do get i-Tunes now. That's not what the rap dudes mean when they say, to "back that thing up", is it?

Great Swamp, Stupid Sign (three)

I've mentioned before that I really like Walterboro. The people are nice, and it has- for its size- really a lot of neat stuff.

One of the cool places in Walterboro is the Great Swamp Sanctuary. The Sanctuary is composed of several miles of running, hiking, biking trails right in the middle of town. The entrance is a block from my house, and, on the rare days that I run, the GSS is where I generally do it. The GSS came about largely because of the hard work and dedication of Walterboro's mayor, Charlie Sweat. I haven't been here a very long time, so I don't know Mayor Sweat, but an awful lot of people in Walterboro do, and everyone I've talked to gives him the lion's share of the credit for putting this wonderful project together. In a bizarre twist of fate, Mayor Sweat was very seriously injured when, while he was showing off his Sanctuary, a rogue golfcart hit him from behind, knocking him headfirst onto the asphalt. Seriously.

My Uncle Bob, standing by the entrance to the Great Swamp Sanctuary.

Walterboro does many things much better than towns much bigger than it is; sadly, signage is not one of them. I'm guessing that the sign designers sent along a template to the Town Council, which probably approved the format. Hence...

For the record, it's Ivanhoe Creek.

Stupid Signs, two

I saw this one at the Cliffs of Moher when I was visiting my oldest son, Davis, in Ireland. I think they didn't want you to chase the seagull off the edge of the cliff. But I'm really not sure.

FreeRice

I'm addicted to rice.

Not Condaleeza Rice.

Not Donna Rice.

but FreeRice. That on-line vocabulary quiz. I'm ignoring my kids. I'm late to work. I'll sneak a few minutes during the day. I got it bad.

FreeRice

Lost in Translation

Article of dance clothing or playground taunt? You decide.

The Importance of Editing

I managed today to kidnap the Twins and their brother and compel them to attend St. Jude's, the lovely Episcopal Church in Walterboro that I occasionally attend. Today is Epiphany, where Anglicans (and lots of other denominations) celebrate the visit by the Magi with the Christ child. It was also a regular Rite II Eucharist, where the Agnus Dei was sung between the word of God and the Eucharist. Agnus Dei means "Lamb of God". Without getting all theological (or biological), I can tell you that a sheep is not the same as a cow, so I surprised to learn from the bulletin that we were to sing the "Angus Dei"- the "Cow of God"?. I really like my little Parish Church, but this is not its first editing offense. Check out this paragraph from the Monthly Newsletter:



And how did Susan feel about that?



We all make typos from time to time. My first job as a lawyer in South Carolina was at the Beaufort County Public Defender's Office. At some point in my term there, I decided to "move up" and had my resume printed (I guess they call them vitae now). Imagine my horror upon viewing the finished product in noticing that they had left out the "l" in Public Defender. Rather changed the meaning, you know? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

A boy and his dog.

Okay, this picture has nothing to do with anything. I just liked it. I was gonna say something like, "why I don't drink beer anymore" or, "the dog's okay, but his mother's a bitch", or something like that, but, hey, I just don't feel like it okay? Anyway, my brother, the amazing Ultra-runner, AndyMan, needs your vote. So click on the "AndyMan's in the Slam" link above and vote on his poll. HmmK?

Fushumang

First appearances matter. Today was a first appearance at roll call at the Courthouse for some folks who will need to appear in criminal court. Hip-hop fashion was the rage. In addition to saggy pants and over-sized coats, a number of those in attendance wore "gangsta" clothing. One dude was wearing a coat which depicted a skeleton pointing a pistola. Another a Scarface jacket.



Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I ask you, is this the face of a killer?




Some of the people I represent actually did not do what they were charged with doing. A lot of them did. I think the Mary Kay Place character in "The Big Chill" (filmed in this area, by the way. Well, Beaufort, mostly, but that's close), explained that she left the public defender's office because, "I didn't expect them to be so... guilty". Not a surprise to me, but Geez, don't complain about being treated like a thug if you dress like one.

Stupid Signs, One

One of the pretty neat places in Walterboro is the Artisan's Center, where South Carolina potters, painters, weavers and carvers can display and sell their wares (if the Artisan Jury who decides which artists get in votes them in). Wonderful place, but how do you get to it?

The Long and Winding Road

The Orlando odyssey broke badly with a heated discussion between daughter Caroline and her mother about how many of her friends would be permitted to journey on to New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl (Caroline won, of course, but not before much pain was inflicted on everyone). On to The Big Easy for the ex and half of my chillin, back to the Boro for the Twins and me.

The traffic was not too very good. Orlando to Walterboro is usually about a five and a half hour trip. This one ran about eight and a half. Savannah, Georgia, and the Savannah River border South Carolina. Walterboro is (usually) about an hour North of the border, so reaching Savannah is like the last lap in a long race. About thirty miles South of Savannah, traffic came to a dead halt on I-95 in both directions.

Thousands of tired travelers coming back from Florida after a Christmas break. How would they react? Shaken fists and car horns blaring? Physical violence? Dr. Seuss wrote the ending to this one. You know that scene in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" where all the Whos in Whoville start singing even though the Grinch stole all their stuff? That one. Instead of getting angry, everyone had a big party. The twins faked car-surfing. We shared some of our pumpkin pie with the family behind us, and they shared their oranges. People threw footballs and basketballs and walked their dogs. One dude even skate-boarded on the shoulder. Duuuude!

The delay lasted about an hour and a half, but I did not witness a single unpleasant outburst during that time. It was actually a lot of fun, and I was almost disappointed when the traffic was cleared and we were able to get on our way. Communing with the occupants of the cars- people that I generally saw only as obstacles to a speedy arrival at my destination- was... enlightening. The next time someone cuts me off in traffic, maybe I'll smile before I flip him off.

The Sunshine State, Part Two

Let's see. Where was I? As I finish my gustatory adventure, Amy drops me off at my Babymama time-share in the people-factory that is Orlando. We go to the Magic Kingdom, which perhaps has replaced the Statue of Liberty as the primary symbol for America. We take the boat over, as I imagine Neil Diamond sing "We're coming to America!"

We do Space Mountian, Pirates of the Carribean, the Haunted Mansion, all that jazz. Still, my favorite ride at Disney is the ride referred to on South Park as "the waiting in line" ride. Properly done, the waiting in line ride offers a chance to sort through the crush of humanity to play fun games. One of the games that my oldest son, Davis, and I played was spot the faux-sports figure. Fat, white Shaquille O'Neals. Adolescent Peyton Mannings. The Tom Bradys were out in force. Hunting Bradys became our favorite. Twin Bradys seemed to be tailing us, but I couldn't seem to get both their pictures at the same time (I guess I just could have asked them, but where's the fun in that?).

The Magic Kingdom: The Happiest Place on Earth!

Davis and Superdave, daughter Caroline and her beau.

Tomorrow: the Ride Home