You Might Be an Observant Muslim if...

Most folks in these parts are fans of Jeff Foxworthy and his "You Might Be a Redneck if..." routines... and mugs... and calendars. My brother, the Amazing AndyMan, got me a "You Might Be a Reckneck If..." calendar last Christmas. There are some good ones, some okay ones, and some "365 days is a lot of days to come up with a different You Might Be a Redneck If joke" ones. I've gotten a bit behind in both my posts and in my calendar adjustments, so I was going through a couple of weeks of calendar readings this morning, when I caught the one for Friday, October 26th, pictured at left. I'd put it in the "okay" category. It's mildly amusing: You Might Be a Redneck If... Sitting on your sofa means waking a relative." But wait, what's that little observance notation above the date?


Go ahead and look below.

  

It says Eid al-Adha. I know President's Day, Christmas, Hannukah, and even Canada's "Boxing Day", but what the heck is Eid al-Adha? Apparently,  Eid al-Adha is a Muslim Holiday in remembrance of Abraham's obedience to God's demand to sacrifice his son, who is spared when God sends a substitute ram at the last minute (you can read about that in Genesis, if you want. It's in the Bible, so Jewish folks and Christians are stuck with it, but most of the priests that I've heard talk about this one sort of hem and haw. Islam, apparently, celebrates it. You gotta figure that family reunions at Abraham's place were, uh, strained. Abraham, "Isaac, could you please pass the yams? Isaac, "Sure, Dad, as long as I get to carve the turkey. You know how you get when you get hold of a knife!" Gales of laughter ensue.) Anyhow, I never thought of any of the Four Horses of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour as messenger of Muhammad. But then, maybe I'm a Redneck.

Santa, You Sleigh Me, Too.

Among some old Christmas decorations that I consigned to the wastebin was this brutal relic. Apparently, some intrepid "Twilight" extra wanted to make sure the undead got their share of toys, and put the bite on the fat man. If a wooden stake is what you need to kill a vampire, then I guess the only way to kill a vampiric Kris Kringle would be with a Kringle kris, like the one at left. Well, that's what it looks like, anyway.

Oh, Give Me a Home, Where the Buffalo Roam.

Okay, I actually didn't see the Bill Murray movie about the famous (now dead) gonzo journalist, but I like Bill Murray okay. Let's see. Why did I post this picture? Ah, now I remember. I saw a buffalo in a pasture, next to a public golf course in neighboring Dorchester County, South Carolina. Reminds me of a nugget from the Arrow Book of Jokes from fifth grade:

Buffalo's in a check-out line at Wal-Mart. The cashier stares at him for a minute, as the buffalo impatiently taps his hoof. "I'm sorry", the cashier offered, "It's just that we don't get a lot of buffaloes around here". "Well", said the buffalo, "With service like this, that doesn't surprise me".

Anyway, it was raining, so this isn't a great shot, but here's the buffalo.

Fluffy to the Rescue!

When most folks think about animals as heroes, they think about dogs. Like this:



or this:



Now, a new hero for a new era. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Fluffy. A cat, not a dog, saved a family (including, in what must have been total humiliation for the family dog, the family dog) from a burning house. Surprise, surprise.

What's Jerry Falwell All Upset About?

The Rev. Jerry Falwell impugned those poor little Teletubbies a few years ago. He'd said there were subtle and subversive messages in the beloved children's show. I decided I wasn't gonna take his word for it. Let's have a look:


Looks okay to me.

Clubbing Baby Seals: Good or Bad? Discuss your Answers.

Cerealist Art (or Well, Hello, Dali)

I remember trekking across the Bay from Tampa to St. Pete to visit the Salvador Dali museum many moons ago. While nearby Charleston has a fairly lively art scene, the Boro has...not so much. Here, you take art where you can get it. Even in your cereal.

My earlier post on Freakies cereal led internet buddy Chase to ask what happened to those little toys you used to be able to get in cereal. Wonder no more! Cereal boxes remain a repository for more than just cereal. Merely a toy? I think not! Check out this Joker: a pastiche reminiscent of Dali (and he kicks!).

Chick-a-Boom.

...Because I felt like it, that's why.

I always remembered this commercial. I'm not sure if AndyMan and I ever ate the cereal. One of the lines in the jingle: "This is the big boss, we call him Boss Moss". I musta known I would end up working for two separate bosses named Moss. I'm pretty sure neither of them knew about Freakies cereal.

DEAN MARTIN - THAT'S AMORE'

That's a Moray

I can't help myself. Apparently, neither can the writer of Pearls Before Swine.

Separated at Birth (Three)

Crumpled-looking, apparently harmless guy has just one more point- it's probably nothing- he has to make before leaving. The people to whom he is talking just wish he'd go away. As if. Hmmm. Haven't seen them in a room together, either.

Do You Walk to School, or Carry Your Lunch?

Got a little help on today's post. The title is a perennial favorite absurd question from my brother, the Amazing AndyMan. The You-Tube offering is a variation on the infamous Zombie Turtle Boy (as opposed to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) sent to me by my friend Amy. It amused me. I hope it also amuses you.

Separated at Birth (two)

Ever see them in a room together?

I didn't think so.

If Flava Flav didn't exist, Dr. Seuss would have to invent him.

Go, Granny, Go!

Q: What is the difference between a Mercedes convertible and a porcupine?

A: With a porcupine, the prick's on the outside.

Eli Manning, U.S.M.C.

Yesterday was mostly twin-time. The boys and I hung out. We worked on the tree-fort a little. Played some hoops (the boys beat the fat old dude together and separately). Read some Harry Potter. Even talked 'em into Church again (two weeks in a row. I got karma I need to work off). Hanging out with the lads meant I missed the first Manning show, the one with the Colts and the Manning that was supposed to win, but I caught Junior and the Giants. The Manning that was supposed to lose, won. Whaddayaknow? I supposed that's why they make them play the game. I noticed an eerie resemblance between Eli Manning and Gomer Pyle. Now, Eli does look like Archie, sort of. But, well, if I'm Archie, maybe I'd want Jim Nabors to submit a DNA sample. Just in case.

Paul for President

With all the hubbub about the top three democrats and the top three or four republicans, the Paul for President campaign has been unfairly ignored. Sure, he comes across as a little off-beat, and there are always compaints that he is unelectable, but Sean Paul deserves a chance!


You want issues? Sean Paul is concerned about the environment, immigration, family issues, and, of course, gettin' him some of that booty. Check out the depth in a chorus from what is obviously a nod to global warming, "Temperature":



"Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm.

I got the right temperature fi (sic) shelter you from the storm.

Oh lord, and gal I got the right tactics to turn you on,

and girl I wanna be the papa, you can be the mom, oh oh!"

I'm all verklempt!